Thing like you. Sanctus Real.

Loving things like you has wrecked my life, made me cry
Loving things like you has made me lose my mind
And I can't figure out why I've been hanging on
To all these things I've tried to leave behind me for so long

And I think it's time to find a better way to live my life
Than loving all those thingsthat keep me wrapped so tight

Everyone wants everyone else's eveything
Some time's the more we have the less we really gain
I'm tired of life and all that money has to buy
Get out of my heart, out of my mind, leaving you behind

Loving things like you has left me bruised, black and blue
Loving things like you has made me so confused
And I can't figure out what I've been waiting on
God I can't be living for things I know are wrong

Now I think it's time to write a better chapter in my life
Leaving all those things that keep me wrapped so tight

Why are we obsessed with possessions here on earth?
Go and take a look at the flowers and the birds
God is always taking care of nature's every need
And how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
I said, how much more important in The Father's eyes are we?
He sees everything

He Didn't Know

She looks out the window and sees the rain. 
She closes her eyes as thoughts and memories of him come rushing through her mind.
She runs outside and lets the cool rain drops mix with her salty tears.
~
He looks up from his coffee and looks around. 
He could have swore that he heard her voice. 
He sighs and puts his head in his hands. 
He didn't think it would feel this way.
~
She tumbles out of bed, screaming his name out loud. 
Sobbing, she wraps her arms around herself. 
She clutches his shirt tighter around herself. 
Begging him to come back.
~
She doesn't stop plaguing his mind. 
Life goes on around him as he daydreams. 
His thoughts so confused, swirling like a hurricane inside his head.
He needs to hear her voice. 
He needs to see her smiling face.
~
She sits on the hill, where they always met. 
She felt the wind rushing through her hair as she closed her eyes. 
Her mind elsewhere. 
Her mind where she wish she could be. 
~
He decides this is enough. 
He grabs his phone and car keys and begins the long drive. 
He can't let her go. 
The worst thing was. 
Was that he didn't know what he would be missing- 
What life would be like without her. 
~
She stands on a bridge, watching the river flow down below. 
And she jumps. 
The adrenaline rushes her head as her feet meet the icy water.  
She smiles and lets the icy water close around her. 
~
He jumps out of the car. 
He yells her name and watches her disappear under the water.
He jumps in after her. 
He's not going to lose her again. 
~
She feels his hand close around her.
She thinks its Jesus come to save her. 
She gasps as she is pulled to the surface. 
And brought back to reality. 
~
He smiles. She is still with him. 
He watches her beautiful smile spread over her face. 
Tears slowly fall down his cheeks. 
~
She laughs at herself. 
How silly was she. 
She closed her eyes, and surrenders herself to his embrace.

Isn't It Nice To Know, That The Lining Is Silver

Everything works out for good. I just gotta remember that, right?

Yeah easier said then done.

haha yeah. God rewards the patient. Everything is getting good. I can keep my head above the water. Soon I'll be going out of the US. I can't begin to explain my excitement. I'll have a good what...two weeks that I will be away from everything. And I mean everything.  It's going to be great. I'm just going to miss my best friend so bad.

I've been finding the double meanings in song lyrics lately. It's been really cool. I have found that most of my favorite songs, happen to kinda outline something that I've gone through in my life. I was living life but not really having one. It was weird. Because I'm not created to live my life this way.  But no one really knows what it's like to live life how I live it.  Most people aren't interested in that anyway. They just wanna fix me and call it done.
No one can fix me, it's just the way I am. I just gotta get my head on straight.  Trust me, I'm working on it.

But yeah. lyrics guys. 'It's Beautiful' by Eleventyseven.

I wish that you could tell me how you know me well and want to be together.
Fallen short and faded out you keep making gardens in this desert
Despite the grace that I dismiss, forgiveness it the catalyst
To penetrate the heart with what is true.
It's beautiful.
You can turn mistakes to miracles.
The way that you still love me after all.
It's beautiful
Redeem the years I've thrown away
I'm ready to make good on what I've wasted
I'm asking you to shape my heart
I wanna be your work of art
Because when you change me and make me more like you
So help me God forbid
I never take for granted this endless give you gave.
It's beautiful




yup yup so yah. My smile is plaguing my face. For more then one reason.

this is my image. summerxstars.deviantart.com.

No sticky finers. 

Peace

Beneath the surface of the water, it is calm. A safe haven from the storms that rage above. It is always tempting to stay here and drift with the other broken pieces of my world. This might be a good way to die.

But what about the possibilities of this world coming back together again? So I surge upward with renewed hope. I grab at a happy memory to keep my afloat. The happiness of those times rushing to comfort me. But I look around and see all the debris and can't help losing hope. How can everything fit back together? I can't find the one reason to fight. It's getting harder and harder to see with the mist setting in. The confusion of why things aren't going right. Losing site of all that hope I let my head fall down to the memory in defeat. It can't even comfort me any longer.

What is the point? Everything is gone- There's nothing left in this world for me. I might as well slip from the memories and dive back down into the water. At least there, my world is at peace.

Not sure

To many thoughts run through my head to even write down. I guess i'll try anyway.

So school is over for 2 months. I cannot believe I made it through still alive. I have learned many many things this year, not including how to convert from atoms to moles or how to interpret the Illiad (love you ms ulmer). No, I've learned things about people and relationships. And unfortunately I've learned that I can't trust anyone. Because even your closest friends get tired of you at some point or another, right?

Now I notice that I cannot even be convinced to go anywhere or do anything. I have even stopped going to youth group. When did this happen!? I used to want to be a leader in my youth. A guidance to those who have no idea which way their lives are heading. And now, I need that guidance. It feels as if my faith has petered out and there is nothing leave. Oh yeah I still believe there is a God and that he loves me. There is no doubt in my mind about that, I'm just not sure what's going on. It seems like when I worship there's nothing there or when I pray I feel like I'm just wasting my breath. I can't plug into God. Why is this happening?

My relationship with my family is fading. I can't stand being around them for extended periods of time before I just shut myself in my room and don't come out for the rest of the day. My brothers dont listen to me when they take something of mine and dont give it back. Sure I laugh and smile about it and try to get it back, but when I say give it back, you better. Then when they dont listen and I forcefully take it away from them they start crying and shoot me with their airsoft guns. wtf? I mean seriously, if you can't handle it then just leave me the hell alone.

My relationships with my friends are also fading. I didn't have very many to begin with anyway. Now it feels like they are something of the past, and reality now is saying I have no one, and you just need to be by yourself.

People see me as being sad. I'm quiet and kinda seclude myself. It's not like I'm trying to be cool or anything, it's instinct. So that I don't get hurt anymore. Being in a school where I have next to no friends its part of my lifestyle. I sit in the classrooms, learn get good grades and thats about it. Being sick alot and out of the classroom also contributes to that.

There is so much more going on in my mind. But I guess I have wallowed in self pity enough.

Wth

Man sometimes I really hate my life. That's my thought of the day. Thanks for reading?

Well if I come across a little bit distant
It's just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand
Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me say

So long, self
Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don't cry
So long, self

Stop right there because I know what you're thinking
But no we can't be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end
And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this
Can't you see

Don't feel so bad (don't feel so bad)
There'll be better days (there'll be better days)
Don't go away mad (but by all means)
Just go away, go away






Yes. I will miss you. But I need to live for God, who will get me through this new bout. This past week (spring break) has been a tough one. I learned new and disappointing things about myself and others...Honestly, being depressed when my family is still whole is stupid, but I can't make myself snap out of it. This is the first time since cleansing my body of toxins that cause this illness. It's a long process, and I now know that I am no where near whole.
Keep me and one of my best friends in your prayers. I'd really appreciate it.


Image copyright of Jena McCann (summerxstars.deviantart.com) steal and I will eat you :K

Everytime

Everytime I want to say hello. Everytime I want to stay, I go. Could never find the words to let you know sometime you plague my mind a million times.


This is true. I want to stay and hang around you, but I am almost afraid to. I love being in your company, but there's something that makes me go. Even when I want to stay. I want to say hi. But I just ignore you. You haven't done anything...it's me. I'm the one that is messed up. Don't worry about me. I'll figure it out eventually. Sometimes I think I can't stop thinking about you. I can't. I've tried before but it doesn't work. I can never get you out of my mind. Why can't I get you out?! It's not really a bad thing...I just love you so much, that I can't stand to let you throw your life around like that. I need you. You say you need me. You, my best friends and my family are the only things keeping me here. I can't hurt them, I can't hurt you. I only hurt myself over and over again.
This is what I think right now.

The first paragraph is from the song 'hello' by hawk Nelson. Check em out.

ok so I thought everything was getting better.
I have been going to this new doc that put me on proBiotics and other stuff like that, changed my diet and everything. It was working to, but the stress and the pain is still there. Emotionally, I am definiately more in control, suicide thoughts and depression slowly ebbing away....but my parents are still concerned that there could still be a problem with me.

...so I go to the doctor to get some tests done on my blood and stuff. I hope that's as far as the testing goes. =/

I am also super stressed out. Still. About the boy.
I like him way more then is healthy for me, and i dont know if he still likes me back or not or whatever. I dont care what he does now, stays with his girlfriend or breakup...but I just hope that it happens soon whatever he decides, because we tried putting our feelings for each other outside of ourselves and be friends. That didn't work. Obviously something has to change. I have considered many times leaving the school just so that he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I know that it would be easier for him and might just be better for me. Move on get over him.
But it's not going to work that way. I cannot force myself out of my school because I already had to make a transition to go there, I can't make another one to go somewhere else. Not going to work.

So the only thing I can do now is stay there at pray. Pray really hard. For him. Because I know he needs it. More then he will ever admit.
He is such a sweet kid. I thank God everyday that I have him in my life, but I know that my depression and suicidal thoughts are probably the worst example he can have of a Christian. I have tried to find strength in God, but for some reason I am not accepting it. I have to continue to give my life over to Him and hope and pray that everything will be ok.
The result of all this in my life is: my grades have taken a dip. Not good.
So now I have my parents all over me to get them back up. I have been trying really hard. Now I just have to find the time to complete everything and then bring my grade up. I have to start concentrating on soccer now, since I am trying to make the team. I think that I have a pretty good shot, going off of how I played last night at the first night of tryouts.
Thank goodness the first night is over.

I have one more competition for Color guard. I have to put up with it for one more week, and then I dont have to do it anymore. I have been putting up with so much....I can't wait for it to be done.
I wish that this pain would go away. Going to school for one day without pain would be absolutely amazing. I just hope that it all happens the way that I want to or the way that God has willed it.
Anyway those are my pathetic woes. I hope that they disappear in the mere future.

Today

Today was tough. Last night was bad. I have a paper and poster due this Friday. With MLA format and everything. I have no idea how to do that, but my teacher expects me to do that. So...ok. Since I have no experience with this stuff, I decided to just go ahead, do the research and get the paper done. I did that. on my laptop. Which now has a virus. So today while trying to find my sources to find it on another computer I find that I had used Wikipedia. I guess it isn't allowed in anything. I ended up writing a totally new paper on a totally different topic. In one day. Now who's ahead of the class? Yeah I guess I should be satisfied with the paper. But i dont know it was how it came about writing something different that kinda makes me want to vomit. I didn't go to school today because I was absolutely exhausted from my battle last night. That's right battle. Me against my parents. Epic failure. My mom isn't like super upset with me, which is a blessing. I think its because I am healing from a major sickness I have been struggling with the last couple years. Finally healing and on a super strict diet. I am so stressed out about everything going on in my life right now that I dont know what to do. All that I really can do is pray about it and let God handle it. Unfortunately that is the hardest part for me to do. Let go. Almost impossible for me. I just hope that once this project is turned in I feel better and get the grade that I DESERVE. This weekend I have a color guard competition and a couple Heavy Metal shows at my church. Pretty packed weekend if I do say so myself. Hopefully I'll get to see my favorite guy this weekend...but who knows? No show last week so that was kinda a let down. BUT I got to see Avatar (which btw is an awesome movie) with him and my brother and his sister. So it wasn't so bad...I guess. I just want this week to get over with quickly so that the beginning of next week can start. By that time I will have the following accomplished:
Project turned in
First color guard comp down
More pictures uploaded
First week of ridiculous diet done
My laptop fixed...up and running for the first time in weeks
My ipod synced and new music added
All library books read and returned ...and various other things finished.
Seeing that list makes me happy. Three breakdowns, lunch, and pain pills later I have finished my paper, and I have finished this blog. Not bad for a Wednesday



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