Not sure

To many thoughts run through my head to even write down. I guess i'll try anyway.

So school is over for 2 months. I cannot believe I made it through still alive. I have learned many many things this year, not including how to convert from atoms to moles or how to interpret the Illiad (love you ms ulmer). No, I've learned things about people and relationships. And unfortunately I've learned that I can't trust anyone. Because even your closest friends get tired of you at some point or another, right?

Now I notice that I cannot even be convinced to go anywhere or do anything. I have even stopped going to youth group. When did this happen!? I used to want to be a leader in my youth. A guidance to those who have no idea which way their lives are heading. And now, I need that guidance. It feels as if my faith has petered out and there is nothing leave. Oh yeah I still believe there is a God and that he loves me. There is no doubt in my mind about that, I'm just not sure what's going on. It seems like when I worship there's nothing there or when I pray I feel like I'm just wasting my breath. I can't plug into God. Why is this happening?

My relationship with my family is fading. I can't stand being around them for extended periods of time before I just shut myself in my room and don't come out for the rest of the day. My brothers dont listen to me when they take something of mine and dont give it back. Sure I laugh and smile about it and try to get it back, but when I say give it back, you better. Then when they dont listen and I forcefully take it away from them they start crying and shoot me with their airsoft guns. wtf? I mean seriously, if you can't handle it then just leave me the hell alone.

My relationships with my friends are also fading. I didn't have very many to begin with anyway. Now it feels like they are something of the past, and reality now is saying I have no one, and you just need to be by yourself.

People see me as being sad. I'm quiet and kinda seclude myself. It's not like I'm trying to be cool or anything, it's instinct. So that I don't get hurt anymore. Being in a school where I have next to no friends its part of my lifestyle. I sit in the classrooms, learn get good grades and thats about it. Being sick alot and out of the classroom also contributes to that.

There is so much more going on in my mind. But I guess I have wallowed in self pity enough.