Everytime

Everytime I want to say hello. Everytime I want to stay, I go. Could never find the words to let you know sometime you plague my mind a million times.


This is true. I want to stay and hang around you, but I am almost afraid to. I love being in your company, but there's something that makes me go. Even when I want to stay. I want to say hi. But I just ignore you. You haven't done anything...it's me. I'm the one that is messed up. Don't worry about me. I'll figure it out eventually. Sometimes I think I can't stop thinking about you. I can't. I've tried before but it doesn't work. I can never get you out of my mind. Why can't I get you out?! It's not really a bad thing...I just love you so much, that I can't stand to let you throw your life around like that. I need you. You say you need me. You, my best friends and my family are the only things keeping me here. I can't hurt them, I can't hurt you. I only hurt myself over and over again.
This is what I think right now.

The first paragraph is from the song 'hello' by hawk Nelson. Check em out.

ok so I thought everything was getting better.
I have been going to this new doc that put me on proBiotics and other stuff like that, changed my diet and everything. It was working to, but the stress and the pain is still there. Emotionally, I am definiately more in control, suicide thoughts and depression slowly ebbing away....but my parents are still concerned that there could still be a problem with me.

...so I go to the doctor to get some tests done on my blood and stuff. I hope that's as far as the testing goes. =/

I am also super stressed out. Still. About the boy.
I like him way more then is healthy for me, and i dont know if he still likes me back or not or whatever. I dont care what he does now, stays with his girlfriend or breakup...but I just hope that it happens soon whatever he decides, because we tried putting our feelings for each other outside of ourselves and be friends. That didn't work. Obviously something has to change. I have considered many times leaving the school just so that he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I know that it would be easier for him and might just be better for me. Move on get over him.
But it's not going to work that way. I cannot force myself out of my school because I already had to make a transition to go there, I can't make another one to go somewhere else. Not going to work.

So the only thing I can do now is stay there at pray. Pray really hard. For him. Because I know he needs it. More then he will ever admit.
He is such a sweet kid. I thank God everyday that I have him in my life, but I know that my depression and suicidal thoughts are probably the worst example he can have of a Christian. I have tried to find strength in God, but for some reason I am not accepting it. I have to continue to give my life over to Him and hope and pray that everything will be ok.
The result of all this in my life is: my grades have taken a dip. Not good.
So now I have my parents all over me to get them back up. I have been trying really hard. Now I just have to find the time to complete everything and then bring my grade up. I have to start concentrating on soccer now, since I am trying to make the team. I think that I have a pretty good shot, going off of how I played last night at the first night of tryouts.
Thank goodness the first night is over.

I have one more competition for Color guard. I have to put up with it for one more week, and then I dont have to do it anymore. I have been putting up with so much....I can't wait for it to be done.
I wish that this pain would go away. Going to school for one day without pain would be absolutely amazing. I just hope that it all happens the way that I want to or the way that God has willed it.
Anyway those are my pathetic woes. I hope that they disappear in the mere future.

Today

Today was tough. Last night was bad. I have a paper and poster due this Friday. With MLA format and everything. I have no idea how to do that, but my teacher expects me to do that. So...ok. Since I have no experience with this stuff, I decided to just go ahead, do the research and get the paper done. I did that. on my laptop. Which now has a virus. So today while trying to find my sources to find it on another computer I find that I had used Wikipedia. I guess it isn't allowed in anything. I ended up writing a totally new paper on a totally different topic. In one day. Now who's ahead of the class? Yeah I guess I should be satisfied with the paper. But i dont know it was how it came about writing something different that kinda makes me want to vomit. I didn't go to school today because I was absolutely exhausted from my battle last night. That's right battle. Me against my parents. Epic failure. My mom isn't like super upset with me, which is a blessing. I think its because I am healing from a major sickness I have been struggling with the last couple years. Finally healing and on a super strict diet. I am so stressed out about everything going on in my life right now that I dont know what to do. All that I really can do is pray about it and let God handle it. Unfortunately that is the hardest part for me to do. Let go. Almost impossible for me. I just hope that once this project is turned in I feel better and get the grade that I DESERVE. This weekend I have a color guard competition and a couple Heavy Metal shows at my church. Pretty packed weekend if I do say so myself. Hopefully I'll get to see my favorite guy this weekend...but who knows? No show last week so that was kinda a let down. BUT I got to see Avatar (which btw is an awesome movie) with him and my brother and his sister. So it wasn't so bad...I guess. I just want this week to get over with quickly so that the beginning of next week can start. By that time I will have the following accomplished:
Project turned in
First color guard comp down
More pictures uploaded
First week of ridiculous diet done
My laptop fixed...up and running for the first time in weeks
My ipod synced and new music added
All library books read and returned ...and various other things finished.
Seeing that list makes me happy. Three breakdowns, lunch, and pain pills later I have finished my paper, and I have finished this blog. Not bad for a Wednesday



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Today

Hey. Nothing new, since I just joined. I guess I'll start blogging more in the future, once soccer gives me my life back next weekend. Check out some photos. :D