Well if I come across a little bit distant
It's just because I am
Things just seem to feel a little bit different
You understand
Believe it or not but life is not apparently
About me anyways
But I have met the One who really is worthy
So let me say

So long, self
Well, it's been fun, but I have found somebody else
So long, self
There's just no room for two
So you are gonna have to move
So long, self
Don't take this wrong but you are wrong for me, farewell
Oh well, goodbye, don't cry
So long, self

Stop right there because I know what you're thinking
But no we can't be friends
And even though I know your heart is breaking
This has to end
And come to think of it the blame for all of this
Simply falls on me
For wanting something more in life than all of this
Can't you see

Don't feel so bad (don't feel so bad)
There'll be better days (there'll be better days)
Don't go away mad (but by all means)
Just go away, go away






Yes. I will miss you. But I need to live for God, who will get me through this new bout. This past week (spring break) has been a tough one. I learned new and disappointing things about myself and others...Honestly, being depressed when my family is still whole is stupid, but I can't make myself snap out of it. This is the first time since cleansing my body of toxins that cause this illness. It's a long process, and I now know that I am no where near whole.
Keep me and one of my best friends in your prayers. I'd really appreciate it.


Image copyright of Jena McCann (summerxstars.deviantart.com) steal and I will eat you :K

Everytime

Everytime I want to say hello. Everytime I want to stay, I go. Could never find the words to let you know sometime you plague my mind a million times.


This is true. I want to stay and hang around you, but I am almost afraid to. I love being in your company, but there's something that makes me go. Even when I want to stay. I want to say hi. But I just ignore you. You haven't done anything...it's me. I'm the one that is messed up. Don't worry about me. I'll figure it out eventually. Sometimes I think I can't stop thinking about you. I can't. I've tried before but it doesn't work. I can never get you out of my mind. Why can't I get you out?! It's not really a bad thing...I just love you so much, that I can't stand to let you throw your life around like that. I need you. You say you need me. You, my best friends and my family are the only things keeping me here. I can't hurt them, I can't hurt you. I only hurt myself over and over again.
This is what I think right now.

The first paragraph is from the song 'hello' by hawk Nelson. Check em out.

ok so I thought everything was getting better.
I have been going to this new doc that put me on proBiotics and other stuff like that, changed my diet and everything. It was working to, but the stress and the pain is still there. Emotionally, I am definiately more in control, suicide thoughts and depression slowly ebbing away....but my parents are still concerned that there could still be a problem with me.

...so I go to the doctor to get some tests done on my blood and stuff. I hope that's as far as the testing goes. =/

I am also super stressed out. Still. About the boy.
I like him way more then is healthy for me, and i dont know if he still likes me back or not or whatever. I dont care what he does now, stays with his girlfriend or breakup...but I just hope that it happens soon whatever he decides, because we tried putting our feelings for each other outside of ourselves and be friends. That didn't work. Obviously something has to change. I have considered many times leaving the school just so that he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. I know that it would be easier for him and might just be better for me. Move on get over him.
But it's not going to work that way. I cannot force myself out of my school because I already had to make a transition to go there, I can't make another one to go somewhere else. Not going to work.

So the only thing I can do now is stay there at pray. Pray really hard. For him. Because I know he needs it. More then he will ever admit.
He is such a sweet kid. I thank God everyday that I have him in my life, but I know that my depression and suicidal thoughts are probably the worst example he can have of a Christian. I have tried to find strength in God, but for some reason I am not accepting it. I have to continue to give my life over to Him and hope and pray that everything will be ok.
The result of all this in my life is: my grades have taken a dip. Not good.
So now I have my parents all over me to get them back up. I have been trying really hard. Now I just have to find the time to complete everything and then bring my grade up. I have to start concentrating on soccer now, since I am trying to make the team. I think that I have a pretty good shot, going off of how I played last night at the first night of tryouts.
Thank goodness the first night is over.

I have one more competition for Color guard. I have to put up with it for one more week, and then I dont have to do it anymore. I have been putting up with so much....I can't wait for it to be done.
I wish that this pain would go away. Going to school for one day without pain would be absolutely amazing. I just hope that it all happens the way that I want to or the way that God has willed it.
Anyway those are my pathetic woes. I hope that they disappear in the mere future.